10 Years Since My Dad's Passing- 10 Things I've learned

It’s 10 years today. It’s hard to believe. I came across this old blog entry and it’s still true today!

10 Things I've learned in the last few weeks

April 17th 2011

1. While your loved ones are alive, get out your video camera and have your younger family members ask questions like an interview and capture it all on camera. Things like: What is your favorite song of all time?, What season do you enjoy most and why?, What is your favorite past time/hobby?, What is your favorite meal to eat? Do you have a family member you were closest with growing up? – You can choose to go more in depth and ask things like where they were born, where they grew up, what were their most difficult challenges in life… it’s up to you to decide how in depth you want it to be. But the more memoir, the better in my opinion.

2. When you have to choose between work and a time with family- seriously weight your options. The week before my Dad passed away, I felt a prompt to reschedule my work appointment with a client so I could take my parents out to a special sandwich shop for lunch. I had been meaning to take them to for literally years. My Dad ordered his favorite treat- meatloaf sandwich. I loved watching him make a mess of it and enjoy every bite! On the drive back, I took the long way ( the most scenic route, because I know my dad loved to go for drives) I drove along Ruston Way Waterfront. 

3. When you have the time, take the scenic route. Don’t jump on a highway if you don’t need to. The change of scenery triggers memories and conversations you might never have speeding down the highway. 

4. Don’t take saying “good bye” for granted. Every time you leave your home, say good bye or greet someone, be present….. Be aware. Be in the moment. I cherish the last hug I got from my Dad before they left my house the day before his accident. 

5. Take note of the specific smell your family members have…this is such a funny topic but it has become SO evident to me in recent months. I can clearly remember the “smells” our friends homes had growing up. I guess it depends on what they use to clean, wash, cook, eat, colognes or perfumes and their own personal ph levels… whatever it is, we all have a unique smell. For some it’s more pleasant than others. Haha. When I come home from a visit at my parents home, I smell like them. I can smell it on my clothes and in my hair. After my Dad passed away, I went into his closet and longed to smell him…. but nothing, he didn't wear cologne but then on Thursday, we went to the MCC kitchen where Dad volunteered. As we walked in, they pulled a batch of cinnamon buns out of the oven and that combined with the simmering soup on the burner, I was overwhelmed with Dad... that was his smell. Giving him a hug after work, that was my dad’s smell. Later I went through his bathroom stuff and got a whiff of Irish Spring bar soap and that coupled with head and shoulders shampoo: that was my Dad too! Similarly, when Trysha (the daughter we are in the process of adopting) moved in, her stuff had a different smell and when I hugged her and rested my nose on her head, I could smell her… it was foreign and yet now, over time, I can identify each one of my children when I hug them. Take note of this- when your loved ones are gone it will bring a sense of comfort. 

6. Do you have a will? If you were in a fatal accident today and you ended up on life support, what would you want the doctors to do with you? Without something in writing, it puts your family members in a very awkward position. Not only will they be faced with the shock and horror of you being in an accident and in a coma, but will then need to carry the burden of what to decide for you? Don’t let it come to that. The myth is that it’s too complicated or expensive to write your will- but it’s not. I have an amazing Estate Attorney I can refer you to. Talk about what your wishes would be with your family members. What type of memorial/funeral service would you want? Private, immediate family only or public- open to anyone? Do you have any specific songs or themes you would hope for? My Dad did and it felt so good to honor him in that special way by the songs we chose to include in the service. Do you want to be buried in a casket or cremated… each option has costs involved and it’s important to discuss these options with your family. They offer prepaid plans believe it or not and it’s not a bad idea to look into the options.. the reality is, it’s going to cost money- so why not plan ahead and not put the financial burden on your grieving family members. 

7. Learn to have childlike faith. Children have such a matter a fact way about them. I have found in recent weeks that the more time I spend with babies and children, the better I feel. They are so honest- so transparent. We have a lot to learn from them. They remind us that the bible says so… so it’s gotta be true! 

8. Take notes and make a bit of a checklist of “if I am gone, you need to know” kind of a list. All your passwords for all your accounts, where do you keep your birth certificate, passport, marriage license and so on. Where do you keep your treasured things like keepsakes and jewelry? Is your address book up to date so if your loved ones needed to let the important people know, they would know how to contact them. 

9. The reality is we are all going to die. It’s just a matter of when. There is no escaping it. Talk about your “bucket list”… share your hopes and dreams with your family. If you are not able to fulfill all that you have your list, maybe it’s for the next generation to complete after you are gone. I had the privileged of being with my Dad when he passed away. I can only speak from my perspective but for me, it was one of the most life changing moments of my life. While my Dad was in a coma, we talked to him like he was there with us…cracking jokes, being silly, singing songs, praying and crying. My Dad was a very emotional guy, you couldn’t’ talk about spiritual things without him getting choked up. Part of it was the side effects of the heart attack he had in previous years, but the other was- he was simply, a tender hearted man. The night I spent with him before he passed away was incredible. I have never sang that many hours in a row. I have never prayed in tongues that long of a stretch before in my life. I sang one song and another would somehow fit perfectly with the melody or the lyrics… it was a medley of never ending songs.. so sweet. When his sedation medicine was decreased, they said he may be able to hear more of what we said… so I went close to his ear and said my name and talk with him. A tear ran down his cheek. The more I talked and sang to him, the more emotional he appeared, at one point, he quivered his chin and lips like he always did right before he cried. I asked him to hold on for Mom and Tiff to arrive. I called his brother Bruce and put the phone on speaker phone up to his ear and he looked as though he tried to blink. I called Mom and when she spoke over the phone in his ear, another tear rolled down his face and he looked like he wiggled his nose. I told him we would be okay. I told him how thankful I was to have called him Dad. I told him that he had such a rich legacy that would follow him because of the life he lived. I told him that I wouldn’t’ say good bye because I knew he was only going ahead of me in the journey and that I would be seeing him soon. I told him to give my grandparents a hug for me. His heart was fluttering and then gave way. The rush of wind in the room in the spiritual sense was undeniable. The sense of him being scooped up, enveloped into the arms of the Lord somehow and then he was gone.

10. Your soul can be sure- without any doubt where you are going to spend eternity. If you haven’t already invited the Lord to be your everything and surrender to Him, it’s not too late. You can choose life now and have the security of where you are going to be forever and know that when your loved ones die, they can look forward to the hope of seeing you again one day in Heaven. It’s a marvelous gift! If you haven’t already, call me- I’d love to be the one to pray with you as you make this life changing decision. Nothing can prepare a human heart to deal with such loss of a loved one. All I can say is that it is an opportunity for us to LIVE out what we have confessed to believe. All the worship songs I’ve ever sang- I know I now have the choice to live them out… will I choose to run into His arms, lay at His feet, facedown and let Him heal my heart like only He can. Fill me when I feel empty, strengthen me when I am weak, carry the burdens that are too heavy for me, heal me when I feel so broken and replace my mourning for JOY that only He can give. 

Love you, 

Rebecca 

www.rebeccadelpozo.com

The Eulogy I wrote for My Dad.

If Chatty Cathy is the female version, my Dad Bryan was the male version. He loved to talk! He wanted to be the first one there and the last one to leave. He loved people. He was accepting of everyone. 

Some men have hobbies like golf, hunting or fishing. For my Dad he loved people. Any activity involving others….and he was there. 

He was an artist. Creative at heart. He loved:

- rearranging furniture

- gardening with LOTS of color

- music …..and it needed to be loud

- photography

- loved nature

- bright BOLD flamboyant color... so much so that in celebration of his life today, we thought it would be suitable for Mom to wear a colorful Hawaiian Mumu to this memorial…..but she refused.

“That’s SMASHING!” Was a comment he would say often when his girls tried on outfits and asked him “how does this look Dad?”

The last time Dad was in the hospital, I drove up and as soon as I opened the door, I could hear my dad laughing down the hall. I told him that I wanted to know what we should do should he pass away. He laughed, Threw his head back and said “Have a party! I know where I'm going.”

So today Dad, we wear colorful dresses to honor your bright and bold personality! 

In his passion for music, I can remember the upset he caused by the purchase of a Sony Surround Sound Stereo back in the 80s. He had asked Lonnie Andrews which system would give him the best quality sound. Mom couldn’t understand the need for such a system…even so, Dad would blast the music so loud, the windows in the house rattled. Looking back, the music Dad played, ignited the passion in Tiffany and I to pursue music and now, years later, we both sing and re worship leaders at our churches. 

I have so many fond memories of Muffin Break. When I was 8, Dad let me work on Saturdays and after school, I would sweep floors, load the dish washer and give coffee refills. I watched Dad very carefully… everyone who walked in the door needed to be greeted with a smile and as they left, we always made sure to say thank them for their business. 

Dad made so many creative recipes of muffins and soups. The Deckerts supported them all unfortunately after they left … He got in trouble from Muffin Break headquarters for making "unauthorized product". We called him the Muffin Man and we were his “mufkins”. He drove what we called the Muffin Mobile... he had custom racks installed in the back of his truck to transport all those yummy ham n cheese muffins from the main store over to the Seven Oaks mall.

Dad was gifted with the ability to always put people at ease... He never complained and everything was always good. He always saw the potential in people. He was passionate about ministry, he had words of knowledge, such a giving heart and he offered a reassuring word when it was needed most. He was so giving and generous…..we are now finding out that he delivered groceries and money to people anonymously.

The Bible charges us as believers to go to the nations and preach the gospel. And He truly did that when he traveled to St Lucia and Africa on mission teams from our church in the 80 & 90s. I remember we packed his suitcase and Mom stuck love notes in his socks and shirt pockets. When he came back home, we unpacked his bag of souvenirs in the middle of the living room floor and cockroaches scattered across the room and we all screamed in terror! 

Over coffee... he never rushed you... he was never in a hurry or rush... He lingered, and listened with genuine interest.

Nosy to a fault.... I was always embarrassed at how he stood in the front window to watch me leave as I drove away with my boyfriends…but know I’m count myself blessed to have had a father who truly cared about me. 

I have no doubt that my relationship with my heavenly father is as strong and intimate as it is today because the earthly father's love and attention I received from my Dad. I tagged along with him a lot and for that I am so grateful. Dad would bring me to the prayer room on Sunday nights before service and I remember him on his knees praying for the unsaved and for the needs of others. He taught me to pray and by example, he taught me to worship and belt out the songs in my heart to the Lord.

In processing all the emotions this week, I went to his closet, longing to catch a smell of my dad... but nothing, he didn't wear cologne but then on Thursday, we went to the MCC kitchen where Dad volunteered. As we walked in, they pulled a batch of cinnamon buns out of the oven and that combined with the simmering soup on the burner, I was overwhelmed with Dad... that was his smell. Giving him a hug after work, that was my dad’s smell. 

We are eternally grateful to the rescuer for saving Dad…. the selfless act of pulling him out of the water, gave us the time....it giving me the time to drive up from Seattle to be with Dad, for Tiff to jump on the last flight of the day out of Calgary... we were able sing over him, pray and say good bye. His passing was so incredibly peaceful. To feel heaven... Jesus himself in the room as he enveloped my dad up into his arms.... I've never been with someone as they die and leave this earthly body but I am telling you- it was amazing. The swell in the room was so thick you could have reach out and touch it. I have no doubt that all that my parents raised us to believe is true. A favorite verse say- Soon and very soon I will be with the one I love, with unveiled face I'll see him. There my soul will be satisfied. Though I have not seen him, my heart knows him well. Jesus Christ the Lamb, the Lord of Heaven. 

Dad you were always my biggest fan and now, I know you are cheering me on from that cloud of witnesses that gave you the welcome to heaven party last week. I will miss your beef barley soup, with rhubarb pie... but most of all, I will miss your smile, your laugh and your hugs. We know you are celebrating in your new body- pain free, full of JOY, and singing the Hallelujah chorus at the top of your lungs! I love you Dad.